How Not To Travel Like A Twat

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I see it time and time again when I'm on the road - someone who is also a traveller acting like a spoilt western rich kid brat or worse - a complete asshole. I thought Albania would be mostly different and until last night, I was right. Sadly, as with everywhere, we finally ran into that group of people that make you cringe at being from a western country yourself, prompting you to apologise in a whisper to the waiter and tip him generously because you feel so bad.

Thankfully in most places you don't get lumped in with degenerate dicks of this nature, provided you yourself are not a dick. In some places you do. Laos for example, we visited a small village which had, in its heyday, been utterly destroyed by white, western kids looking for a huge night long party. These days being white in that village gets you either a welcoming or a shunning. It really depends on who is serving you and where. That was my first taste of racism. Not being served purely because I was white and they had had bad experiences with white people in the past coming and more or less destroying their once quiet village, despite me being a woman in my thirties simply wanting a coffee before a long bus ride.

Can I blame them? Not at all. I sat at the table last night here in Sarande, patiently waiting for my pizza, watching this horrid display of drunk Australians call the waiter an idiot for not serving beer - the place clearly advertises it's Halal - and they don't have a liquor license. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, especially when one of them tapped the waiter from behind rudely and demanded the waiter come take their order - despite the waiter being literally mid order with another table. I glared at the guy from across the balcony. Rude, rude, rude.

When they first turned up I revelled in the fact that they ordered four beers and promptly were served the non-alcoholic variety, the only kind the restaurant has on offer. I thought to myself "It's a good thing that beer is alcohol free, I think they've had more than enough." Of course though, the drunkest one, which I will refer to here on in as "Bucket Hat" eventually clocked on.

He went inside the restaurant and asked for "real beer" and I expect was told they don't have it. Despite the fact they'd all ordered their food by this point (a story I'll also get to in a moment), he came out and made a big display about how they were "fucking idiots" for not serving "real beer". He then made a huge scene about having to go find actual beer. I watched him stumble off, running straight into traffic and nearly getting hit by a car. I couldn't help the thought that perhaps that would have been a great lesson in controlling your drinking, getting hit by a car purely because you need to have alcoholic beer.

Alas he returned with four beers that they drunk in quick style. Bucket Hat proceeded to be loud and obnoxious and at one point two girls who had been on their bus came by (and were North American, I think Canadian) and looked at the menu. This is where two things happened:

1) Bucket Hat tried to get the girls to come stay with the four guys at their room/hotel, wherever. One of the girls laughed it off (as Canadians do when put in an uncomfortable position like that) and told Bucket Hat they didn't think he was going to make it off the bus. Oh really?

2) The girls left, despite the restaurant having fantastic food and being incredibly cheap. They had wanted pizza but given the presence of the drunk Australians they decided to move along. They clearly didn't want to be associated with them.

I found this pretty hilarious, and shortly after the girls left the guys could be heard going on about how "they prefer American pussy anyway". This nearly made Pete turn around and tell them that his wife is Canadian and that they should apologise. He didn't, but it would have been pretty funny.

It all went from being already pretty abhorrently disgusting to even more so when Bucket Hat got his pizza and ate like a neanderthal. Putting a slice of pizza in your face from the cheek is not how you eat anything. Was he really that drunk or was he not accustomed to eating like a human being? Who knows. All I know is it almost made me lose my own appetite.

The best part though was when he passed out at the table. You read that right. Passed out... At. The. Table. Thankfully it wasn't long after this they left, leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouths, including the Russians who were at the table opposite us.

So how do you not travel like a dick? Here are Erin's Top Tips, not that you should need them, but hey just in friggen case because you never know.

1) Respect the place you're in. These people have different ways of operating. Just because a server in the US, Canada, UK, Australia or NZ might be all over you from the moment you walk in the restaurant door doesn't mean that happens everywhere. Relax. Maybe you might have to go find the server or order at the bar. In general though, chill the eff out and don't be a dick about it.

2) Dress for Success. I don't mean in an office. If you're in a Buddhist country and you want to go in a temple, cover the fuck up. I'm talking to you girls who know who you are. The ones who think it's okay to wander around, ass out in foriegn countries and go into temples like that and then complain about the "overrun of niqabs" in the west. It goes both ways, sweetheart. Cover your tits, ass, arms, and stomach. These men have taken vows of celibacy to further their spiritual connection, so you wandering around like you're fresh off the set of Girls Gone Wild doesn't help and can be very embarassing and uncomfortable for them.

3) Which brings me to my next point. If you're in a Muslim country, expect that you're going to get leered at if you don't cover up. You're a spectacle. Also expect that you may get asked to cover your head. Don't bitch. You chose to come here, no one held a gun to your head and made you do it.

4) Check yourself. Don't drink to excess and then swear at the staff of a bar or restaurant. Just because you might be on vacation doesn't mean your manners take a holiday as well. It isn't hard to wait your turn and to say please and thank you. You may be surprised how much further you get with the locals by being kind.

5) And finally, if you can't adapt your behaviour to the place you're in, expect that other foreigners aren't going to want to hang out with you, you're going to have a hard time getting anywhere with the locals and you straight up may be refused service or have to deal with the authorities because you're being an obnoxious dick. Travellers who travel for the experience don't want to be associated with rude and arrogant travellers who are travelling purely just because they think it's a great idea to go get as blitzed as possible in other countries. If you want to go to another country to act like a twat and get as bombed as you can, do the rest of us a favour and keep it to Kavos, Malia, and Ibiza.

That's all for now. Remember - travelling should be an eye opening and enjoyable experience for everyone, so be sure to be respectful of not just the locals, but other travellers as well.

Erin