Toilet Roulette

Our lovely toilet complete with toilet paper bin. What evils lurk within?

So, as any traveller knows, travelling can be pretty messy, disgusting and well, shitty work. Let's not mince words here. I remember the first time being told of squat toilets and wincing in disgust and then having to actually use one for the first time ever in my life. My how pampered we are in the west to be able to sit down to pee if we so choose. When you think about it though, squat toilets are just a much lower versions of a western toilet, which women are encouraged not to sit on in public spaces due to the germs purported to be on them. So what's the difference?

Well, anyways. Toilets around the world are pretty curious things, and I find myself always enjoying a good game of "get to know the toilet". Not in the sense that I suffer from traveller's sickness or anything, as to be honest, in recent years I don't seem to be touched by that unfortunate side effect of travelling as much as I used to be. But instead I mean "How does this toilet situation work?"

Some toilets are western, some are not. Many you will encounter on the road are of the variety where, sure they're western, but that doesn't mean you can put toilet paper down them, and instead after you use it you have to put it in a little bin next to the toilet. Albania is like that. At least, when they aren't squat toilets.

For the record, I'm yet to cross a squat toilet in Albania.

South East Asia though was like toilet roulette - every time you go into a bathroom you're betting against yourself - squat or "western"? Let's find out! Typically if it's a well built establishment the likelihood of it being a western toilet is better. If you have to traverse a bit of a jungle path, the chances of encountering a squat toilet are better, which is a bit unnerving considering snakes have been known to live in them. Don't believe me? Check out this story from CNN a couple years back about the python (yes, fucking PYTHON) that latched itself onto a man's junk. Eeeeewwwww!

So anyways, our toilet in our flat is the less annoying variety of just not being able to flush toilet paper. Okay, no problem. The only issue is that there's no easy-to-use bum gun either.

Okay, okay. Hold up. I get a lot of questions about what a bum gun is. It's literally a hose hooked up to a water source next to the toilet in a lot of countries which has like a hose nozzle, used for spraying your bits when you're done to clean up. Then you just dry off with the toilet paper and in the bin it goes, which means it's mostly just damp toilet paper that's been used to dry someone's ass. You might encounter a situation where there's a bum gun AND a huge bucket of water with a little ladle with which to "flush" the toilet by pouring water in it to force everything down. It works pretty well to be honest. And this is what I mean by "getting used to toilet situations". For a pretty hilarious bum gun story, you can check out our post "The Scar" in our retroactive blog, which will be coming soon. Yes I said Scar. Now you're probably wondering what the fuck happened. You'll see.

Back to our toilet. I know, you're probably thinking "why am I reading about their toilet?" but it's actually pretty interesting, and if you ever come visit us, something you too will have to get acquainted with. Fun!

Nothing says love like sharing a bin of used toilet paper. I guess that's how you know you're happily married - being able to open that bin time and again to god only knows what and still love the person. It reminds me of the time our neighbour in the UK got, as they say, paralytic, meaning extremely drunk to the point they're more or less unconscious. We helped him inside and got him water while we phoned his wife to come and collect him and as he was throwing up, she wiped his mouth. Ah, who says romance is dead? Remember kids - marriage isn't all dinners out, wine and Netflix and chilling.

So, if you're planning to travel to far flung places, keep in mind your toilet might take some getting used to. When in doubt, use the bin. The last thing you want is to block up the toilet in a country where the pipe and drain infrastructure leaves a lot to be desired.

If you found this post a bit gross, well, as Peter Griffin says, "Everybody Poops".

Erin